Why? When we read fictional diaries, they always seem to contain details no one could find the time to record, and all the characters have laser memories so that they can dig up all the obscure things that happened on a traumatizing day. It's totally unrealistic--but the diaries would present no lucid story without it. It's like the difference between Gothika and The Blair Witch Project. One has smooth, linear plot lines, with all the details, and the other is a hacked-up, confusing blur of detached bits, forced together in rapid succession--more like real life as it occurs. Then there are films that are really like diary entries--musings and dodgy details and half-remembered truths, relying on pure emotion and an introverted spirit to guide the story.

Well, taking a break from my musings, I'll tell you a bit about what happened to me today. I woke up. I got dressed. Went to school. Got a text, I text back. Went to MacDonald’s during 3rd. I came home. I read. I came on the internet. I attempted to clean my room. I gave up on my room because I decided that, well, it doesn’t really need to be clean.

Anyway, that's a bare, meaningless sketch of what happened in my life today. No gory details, no faithless leaps, no blurry, churned-up feelings; nothing. But somehow, I still managed to have an epiphany today.

Ever have one of those moments, where all of the sudden, somewhere off in the future, a door opens, and for one brief moment, you can see through it? You're lined up perfectly and you catch a glimpse? Let me try again: where you can see what you want, how to get it, and you feel that you really can get it. That's what I mean. I had that happen.

Suddenly, I have confidence. Suddenly, I can see new horizons, new things to reach for. Suddenly, I've got a picture of where I want to be, where I'm going, and how to make those two places the same thing. Suddenly, I can see a future for myself, a future in which I can be what I want, do what I want, have what I want, and be happy.

I'm beautiful, in this future. I'm not afraid to say what I think. I'm not afraid to do or wear or feel what I want. I am free from the boundaries of conventional thinking and conventional rules. When someone says something I don't like, I don't sit their and form a rebuttal in my head. I stand up, face them toe-to-toe, and say exactly what I think with all the blistering passion with which it deserves. Or else I wait, silent, and poise myself, only to strike them alone, with all the attacks planned out. Either way, I am no longer silent and faceless. I am what I want to be.

L

Written on 15 November 2005 at 4:55 pm