I don’t want to say it, well write it, because if I do write it down I’ll be forced to acknowledge it. And that is something that I don’t want to do, something that I’ve been trying so hard to avoid. I know that if I do properly acknowledge it I’ll act on it and if I act on it I’ll regret it. If I do acknowledge I’ll hurt people, people I don’t want to hurt, people I care about. It is just so much easier to suppress my feelings, to pretend that they’re not there. At least I already wear the mask, I already know how to pretend. One more thing shouldn’t brake it, one more thing shouldn’t make the mask not fit.

I’ve tried so hard, ever since I found, to just forget it. It seems to me that I’ve been putting all my energy into forgetting, which doesn’t really leave time for anything else.

. . . that I might still like S.

L

Written on 14 November 2005 at 3:24 pm