Although I am relearning who I am, that doesn't mean that I am regaining the knowledge of my feelings. I'm still not sure of how to feel. My emotions are still dead, but my hands are beginning to have feeling in them. I am starting to feel them clutching onto me for protection; but my body is immobilized, which is making it difficult to protect itself. My capture could be so easily mastered, but no one would want to capture such a pitiful creature.

I know that being numb isn't what I want to be, but maybe it's better to feel nothing than it is to feel everything. I wish that my heart weren't so cold. I wish that I could allow only certain things to affect me. I wish that I could open my heart to this world, but my home isn't here.

I wish so many things, but they are all desires and I cannot make them just happen. I am growing to hate the human nature of desire because everything that I want seems to be just out my reach. I feel like a young child trying to reach for the cookie jar that is just out of my grasp.

Life isn't an experience that I would ever want to relive.

L

Written on 13 November 2005 at 9:10 pm