Tap Dancer, I am.

I'm torn on what to do here. I think it's called the schizo-conscious. Where you are aware of how you look or may look to others. Horrible thing. The good thing about all this is that I've been through it before. Unfortunately, that means I know that it doesn't kill you, and you just have to learn and wait to breathe again. I'm torn though, if I should write or not. Where one might say go and talk to someone, well this is how I do it. I wish I had a hidden journal and friends at the same time but I don't. I mean I have friends, but it doesn't always mean I'm ready to talk when they're around. And this seems to work the best. I'm doing well. But those occasional thoughts of jealousy run through my mind. I've been watching "Love Actually" a lot and even she says it... "Is it just a necklace, or is it sex and a necklace, or worse, is it a necklace . . . and love?" And I keep tormenting myself with the last one.

I became more distant and more dislikeable (which probably subconsciously I did nothing to prevent). It's so hard to accept when you messed up. I wish I knew how to shut my mouth. I'm not saying lie, but I've had the terrible habit of when I'm frazzled saying everything at once. And that's not smart because it all is such rubbish. I mean nothing is black and white. There's always contradicting feelings and things that went on, and when you try and blurt it all out what happens is you say one thing in one sentence and then the complete opposite in another and you just become a bumbling idiot. Well, I can't change it now . . . and lets face it, would talking really solve anything at this point. I don't think so. I want so many things right now and the problem is that they contradict and I can't eat my cake and have it to. And that's always been my problem . . . I would like the boyfriend and the long relationship but I want to do things on my own. I have to keep positive. Who freaking knows what the future may hold, and just end that thought with that. Don't think he could marry this other person. Don't think that you'll move away and lose touch forever. Just know what it is now, and know that it can be anything. I might break the rules. Not majorly, just a fib . . . oh, I already feel bad now. I'd give anything to find a portal to that brain right now. So, what do I want, what do I want, what do I want, want, want.

I made this list a while ago and some of these have already been accomplished but others will take a while . . .

I want to live in London with my cat, a rooftop view, a king size bed and Chinese food with chop sticks (which leads to. . .)
I want to learn to eat with chop sticks.
I want to get a Bachelor Of Arts, from UWA, in something.
I want to join a sorority.
I want to be in theatre production
I want to live in a different country.
I want to go to New York
I want a job that I'm happy with.
I want to bungee jump.
I want to meet a movie star.
I want the kind of love you see in the movies.

For the last one, I've never been able to see myself as one who is in love. Because I think romantic movie, romantic comedy, and it's not that the guy isn't right, it's that I don't see myself as the right girl. I'm not happy. And that needs to change. I just hope that I'll be looked at in the future for whom I am and not who I was. Ok . . . that's enough. Now I can sleep. Goodnight.

Written on 02 October 2005 at 11:51 pm

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Quote of the moment:
Up where they walk. Up where they run. Up where they stay all day in the sun. Wanderin' free. Wish I could be. Part of that world