I yearn for the path less travelled. The only steps to prosperity are the backs of innocent fools but I fear martyrdom is the price of salvation, a riddle for another day. A riddle has geometrically more value than a joke, but I appreciate both. I talk almost as much as I think and a conversation with me is always an experience. I can be irritating and insensitive, but those times are also my most entertaining. If I try to censure myself, I'm boring.

I have little respect for what hasn't earned it, most of the world is little more than my plaything or a joke to me but what makes it inside my walls is there forever. I was probably tampered with as a child by aliens.

I've experienced bliss as surely as despair, been the fool and been the queen. My mind has been blown, my heart has been shattered, and my soul has been blackened but I'm feeling much better now.

I have settled so often. I have taken what is given to me and allowed myself to remain seemingly unaffected. And it has infected me in ways I never knew. I have been diseased by dishonesty, mediocrity, ‘just enough to keep you’ and ulterior motives.

It has become so that I expect disappointment. I anticipate defeat. And I know the hurt will come. I swallow it down and convince myself that it’s all okay. I think, sometimes I even believe, I have moved past the violations each and every one of you has subjected me to.

I will forgive your indiscretions. I will make excuses for your wrong doings. I will defend you past the point you have ever earned. I will trust you when you look into my eyes and swear I should. I will have faith that you are being faithful. I will believe in the fairytales you peddle at my expense. And when it is all said and done and I have been left broken, I will still try to be your friend.

I provide all this for the simple fact that I would never think to be anything but giving of myself. I couldn’t fathom lying to your face. I believe wholeheartedly in the golden rule and will always make an effort to treat you how I myself want to be treated.

I am not perfect and may do things that will hurt you. And in this I have come to realize I am punishing myself in twisted ways. But, if you ask the question you never need to doubt the answers you are given. Omission is my greatest sin and I find myself seeking my own redemption.

I have been soured by my experiences. I have allowed myself to be altered by my world. I am more jaded than I ever thought I could be. I have become harder through my living. And, I don’t want to be anymore.

I want to be washed clean, of my transgressions and of yours. I want to be free from the doubts I have allowed to cloud my vision. I want to be reborn in a state of innocence that allows me to think I could love someone wholly and purely. That I could be loved the same in return. I want to believe in happily ever afters and soul mates and meant to bes. I think I used to...

I am an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for one reason or another. I appreciate the beauty that few see. I'm easily content with the small things in life. I find no happiness, love, or acceptance in myself. Most days are a burden and I often wonder when the hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and sorrowful, I'm sure I paint a tragic and touching picture.

I am cold and indifferent much of the time . . . or perhaps I'm just a good pretender. Next to impossible to get close to, even those who do never see the real me. Because I hold so much inside, one day I'm simply going to snap. Then the mask will fall away, and my 'true face' will be revealed. Until then I will deal with whatever comes my way in icy bitter silence and acceptance. On the positive side, I'm fearless and immeasurably strong - not much can crack through my defences.

While typically smirking, amused, and sarcastic, I am capable of severe revenge and a passion and intensity unrivalled by any other. I intrigue people, who can't help but wonder why I am the way I am. I am the one that few understand. Those that do know me are likely to love me deeply. I am constantly living in memories of better times and a better world. I am hard on myself and self-critical or self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved, I am sensitive, caring, deep, and despite my tainted nature, my soul is breathtakingly beautiful.

Coca-cola (yes, the drink) is the drug of my choice. I recommend it. I really love chocolate, and would be thrilled to receive some on just regular days rather than only on special days.

I enjoy any sort of art, and find beauty in it all. I love music, photography, paintings, sculptures, writing, television shows, movies . . . anything that allows for self-expression. My definition of a great movie, television show, play, speech, or book, is that it's something that will make you laugh, will make you cry, and in the end will make you feel like everything is going to be alight, while teaching valuable morals to every day life.

I am a strong believer that males are the weaker gender. There are some (many) things that males cannot offer me. Females are beautiful, sexy, alluring, sensitive, giving. Likewise, they can also be bitches, cruel, heartless, and annoying. I love males for their rough masculinity, their simplicity, their physical strength, and their sexiness. Yet, they annoy me because they have a one track mind, they are insensitive most of the time, and they can be complete assholes. Most of all, intellectuals tickle my fancy.

I like vampires, and have developed a small biting fetish. I like to bite, and I like it when others bite me. I like blood, the sight, the smell, the taste. But if given the golden opportunity to become a vampire, I would not take it. Though I would love to live for eternity so that I may learn all the secrets of the world, I would not like to see everything around me die. Besides, I enjoy the feel of sun on my face too much.

It positively annoys me that I will not know even 1/8th of what there is to know in this world. I want to know everything, and daily I strive to improve my intelligence. I want to know and understand without corrupting my soul. I want to remain unattached from the puppet strings society uses. I yearn for my heart to stay pure, fresh, carefree, unblackened. And it's for this reason that I adore mermaids as much as I do vampires. What I wouldn't give to be so free . . . to swim the oceans and collect hidden treasures. Yet, again, if granted the opportunity, I would have to pass. I'm frightened of sharks, and I would like to care about some things.

I yearn to travel, to experience . . . and I will do that. I would gladly jump at the chance to visit, or even live in Egypt for a while. That is number three on my list of places to visit. I could spend weeks in Egypt just exploring the pyramids and tombs, and learning from the experts. I would also like to visit Italy, Ireland (As it is my number two place), France, New Zealand, England (London, being my number one place), Germany, Japan, Russia, South America, and Africa. I want to interact with the people, see the cultures, watch the animals in their natural habitat. I want to hike, bike, boat, explore. And one day, I will.

I hope that people who meet me through the days, weeks, months, and years learn not only something about me, but learn something about themselves. Laugh at my idiocy, enjoy my triumphs, feel my pain, learn from my mistakes. Most of all, I hope to make you laugh, make you cry, and in the end make you feel like everything is going to be alright.

Good night sweet prince. May flights of devils wing you to your rest.

L

Written on 16 September 2005 at 6:17 pm