This may be a painful experience. But it’s necessary, right? Tell me, there’s a reason for this, isn’t there? I hope so. I’ve thought about it, and it depresses me like I wish nothing could. Like sometimes I feel nothing ever can again. Like sometimes I know is inevitable. Like these sentence fragments, really. They always come back. Merciless, isn’t it? And on cold leather seats, well, it suddenly struck me: I just might die with a smile on my face, after all.

1. I will never become addicted to anything.
2. I will never sacrifice my personal beliefs for anyone.
3. I will never hurt the people I care about.
4. I will never recklessly risk my own life.
5. I will never let someone else’s ideas hurt me.
6. I will never back down when it comes to what I believe is right.
7. I will never lie to myself again.
8. I will never be ashamed of myself again.
9. I will never cut, or intentionally harm myself in any way - physical or mental.
10. I will never lose contact with any friends, again.

I’ve done all right, I guess. I haven’t broken all of them, which is something. Not much, but it’s something. I think I can deal with that, really. I’ll learn to, at any rate. I’m a quick study, I am. Doesn’t take me long to learn anything I choose to. It’s just that I make bad decisions, really. Some of the worst, actually. If the world’s going to kill me, I’ll damn well go out with a blaze of self-indulgence, and firmly by my own hand. I can’t remember who said it, but someone recently said something like, I hurt myself so that you can’t. It’s rather ineloquent, actually, but it gets the point across.

I’m a vindictive bitch, sometimes. If I’ve got to die, I’ll do it on my own terms, just to spite you. It’s who I am. Self-destructing is better than standing in line waiting to be brushed out of existence. See, it’s a futile, harmful attitude, but it’s mine all the same, and few people can say that they haven’t felt the same at least once.

L

Written on 29 September 2005 at 6:44 pm