Tap Dancer, I am.

You drape me in the finest silks of the richest reds, and place upon my head a diamond tiara. And yet, though you lavish me with affection, I still feel lost and alone... It does not matter that I lay upon your silken sheets, nor that I'm dressed finer than a princess... no riches can pull me from my own mental labyrinth where I run into dead ends and bottomless pits. And so I lay here yet again upon the pearl hued sheets so cool against my warm flesh, and I have fallen again... battered and bloody within my own mind. There is no escape from thought. There is no freedom from hurt or doubt or insecurity. And though I yearn for you to understand, you don’t. Yet how could you if I myself do not comprehend my own complexities?

You are my prince, and there is no doubt in my mind of the love I hold deep within my bosom for you. You are the one I hold dearest in my heart, for all of eternity. And somehow, this saddens me. We are so different from one another, and I doubt you will understand me... now or when the ages have passed and we are elderly. How I wish I thought otherwise. I am the one that few understand, however those that do understand me are likely to love me deeply. And so, according to deductive reasoning, it is not possible for you to love me deeply, as you do not understand me. And you will reply, as you always do, “You think too much." Perhaps I do... but how does that help me? The very sentence will not ease my thoughts. But I cannot expect any more from you, for you are no philosopher, nor do you delight in debates or deep conversations as I do.

I wear the silver crown. I attire the silks. My flaws are covered in makeup, in velvet, in jewels, in smiles. Simply put, I extend forth an exterior of a princess lying upon silken sheets without a care in the world as to what happens, faithful that everything will be ok in the end. But on the inside I house open wounds, insecurities you can’t seem to fathom, and I am naught but an angel fallen from grace. Though I wonder when I ever had grace, and how long ago that was.

I suppose it is best that you do not understand me, for then you too would be complicated and things would not be so simple in your own life. I long to be pure and un-blackened as you are. And I wonder, is there a way? I doubt it, for there is no way to rebuild a sheet of paper when it's been burned along its edges. It is forever that way until it is crumpled and then thrown away.

I'm just a pretty princess on the outside... I'm just another smiling, happy individual on the exterior... and no matter what happens, that is all I will put forth. No one will know when I have fallen into another abyss, or when I've hit another dead end on the inside. No one ever knows... it's hard to imagine that's the way I like it, but that has been 'the way' for as long as I remember. Why change the status quo? Why let anyone see the broken angel within when they can see the princess otherwise?

Written on 12 November 2005 at 7:03 pm

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Quote of the moment:
Up where they walk. Up where they run. Up where they stay all day in the sun. Wanderin' free. Wish I could be. Part of that world