I seem to be thriving on my own, pain. Every time I experience anguish, it appears to make me more relaxed. I don't believe that I am sadistic, but from where I stand I may very well be.

Every time something majorly wrong happens in my life, I somehow find a way to hold myself together even though inside I am destroyed. My grief is concealed with a smile. For every harsh thought I cling to, another tear falls to the floor. Now I ask myself so many questions...

The opinions of myself, are they lies or truths? Is what I see in the mirror really me, or is there something burrowing itself behind my eyes? Should I trust myself and my own judgement, or should I ask of people their view of me and my choices? Am I alive or am I in a state of illusions? When will this state of mind end?

I miss knowing who I am. I miss knowing what I wanted out of life. It feels like all I can do now is look at my life's list to know what I wanted. I look at what is left of my life and I realize that I don't know anything more than things learned from a textbook. I want to live, I want to breathe, I want to be me...

L

p.s. I didn’t go to school today, I couldn’t be bothered, I felt sick. I had an assignment due that I had barely started. I was planning on finishing it last night but I fell asleep so I didn’t get it finished.

Written on 03 November 2005 at 9:01 pm